Grandma's Boobs

Politics Explained

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

Hand her a used tampon and ask her what period it`s from.

Michael Phelps is a Jerk

You've been Barack-Rolled!

Tightie Whities Music Video

Paris Hilton for President!

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Mexico Drops out of 2008 Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.

He stated: "Casi cada uno que puede correr, saltar, o nadar ha salido del pais."

Translation: "Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

Special High Intensity Training

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FR: MANAGEMENT
RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

mpg

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Screamer

Q: What's 18 inches and makes women scream?

A: Crib Death

One Sunny Day in 2009

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush.
I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

Soap

Sexual Q&A

Q: What's the difference between a cricketer and a condom?
A: The cricketer drops the catch, and the condom catches the drop

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and riding a woman?
A: To ride a bicycle you fix your ass and move your legs. To ride a woman you fix your legs and move your ass

Q: What three things are common between the sun and a woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night...

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own

Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward...backward...forward...stop and eject

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come you are in big trouble

Q: What are the 7 qualities to be a perfect woman?
A: She has to be Beautiful, Responsible, Energetic, Adorable, Sweet, Truthful Self-Organised In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S


Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most people find pleasure!

21 Signs You Are Having A Bad Day

1) your new diet doesn't seem to be working


2) you had trouble getting out of bed


3) you washed your hair and couldn't do a thing with it


4) you feel like you have a hangover and you weren't even drinking last night


5) you woke up in a strange place


6) you pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise


7) your new hat looked better on you at the store


8) your old hat doesn't seem quite right either


9) the dry cleaners shrunk your favorite outfit


10) you keep losing things


11) you have a stiff neck


12) you feel like you're in the wrong place at the wrong time


13) the boss chewed you out at work


14) you got caught in the rain at lunchtime



15) the lunch you had didn't seem to agree with you



16) you feel trapped


17) traffic on the way home was brutal


18) uninvited guests showed up at dinnertime


19) dinner left you feeling a bit queasy


20) you think you're coming down with the flu


21) you're alone in the house at night and you hear a noise in the basement