Thundercats Movie Trailer

Fake movie trailer for Thundercats featuring Brad Pitt, Vin Diesel, Hugh Jackman

The Bailout

The Christmas Story

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were
scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the
elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little
glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great
big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would
you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Brown Suit

Christmastime in Washington

The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity scene in Washington, D.C. this Christmas.

This isn't for any religious or constitutional reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capital.

There was no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Revenge

Scarecrow Moon

The Stupid Vote

Schelp to Florida - Vote Obama

Sarah Silverman wants you to visit your grandparents in Florida

Don't let a Blowjob ruin your health

Grilling

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man looks over at his wife and says:

"Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the grill."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape And measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the grill!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie ?"

Spring Break Mistake

These guys make a fatal mistake on the beach...

Spiders on Drugs

This is your Spider's brain on drugs...

Bad Case of Diarrhea

Garbage

Grandma's Boobs

Politics Explained

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."

How do you piss off a female archaeologist?

Hand her a used tampon and ask her what period it`s from.

Michael Phelps is a Jerk

You've been Barack-Rolled!

Tightie Whities Music Video

Paris Hilton for President!

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

Mexico Drops out of 2008 Olympics

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.

He stated: "Casi cada uno que puede correr, saltar, o nadar ha salido del pais."

Translation: "Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

Special High Intensity Training

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FR: MANAGEMENT
RE: SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

mpg

A recent study conducted by Harvard University found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study by the American Medical Association found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Screamer

Q: What's 18 inches and makes women scream?

A: Crib Death

One Sunny Day in 2009

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
"Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush.
I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

Soap

Sexual Q&A

Q: What's the difference between a cricketer and a condom?
A: The cricketer drops the catch, and the condom catches the drop

Q: What is the difference between riding a bicycle and riding a woman?
A: To ride a bicycle you fix your ass and move your legs. To ride a woman you fix your legs and move your ass

Q: What three things are common between the sun and a woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both disappear at night...

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own

Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward... forward...backward...forward...stop and eject

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come you are in big trouble

Q: What are the 7 qualities to be a perfect woman?
A: She has to be Beautiful, Responsible, Energetic, Adorable, Sweet, Truthful Self-Organised In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S


Q: Who is a gynecologist?
A: He is the only fool on the earth who looks for problems in a place where most people find pleasure!

21 Signs You Are Having A Bad Day

1) your new diet doesn't seem to be working


2) you had trouble getting out of bed


3) you washed your hair and couldn't do a thing with it


4) you feel like you have a hangover and you weren't even drinking last night


5) you woke up in a strange place


6) you pulled a muscle when you tried to exercise


7) your new hat looked better on you at the store


8) your old hat doesn't seem quite right either


9) the dry cleaners shrunk your favorite outfit


10) you keep losing things


11) you have a stiff neck


12) you feel like you're in the wrong place at the wrong time


13) the boss chewed you out at work


14) you got caught in the rain at lunchtime



15) the lunch you had didn't seem to agree with you



16) you feel trapped


17) traffic on the way home was brutal


18) uninvited guests showed up at dinnertime


19) dinner left you feeling a bit queasy


20) you think you're coming down with the flu


21) you're alone in the house at night and you hear a noise in the basement

Best Buy Dance-off

Video camera catches some girls dancing at Best Buy:

More videos from the "Contagious" channel at Heavy.com

Really Bad Karaoke

Long Island Lolita version of Barbra Streisand's "Evergreen"

Optical Illusion

De-motivational Poster

Paint The Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

Hawaii Weather Report by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

It's A Woman's Job

Tickle Me Elmo Factory

A blonde was hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory for work during the holidays in the Quality Control department. The boss explained the job, she said she understood, and began working.

Inside of 30 minutes the whole line had to be shut down. They found the blonde at the Quality Control station at the end of the line. She'd stolen thread, needle, plastic balls, and red felt from other departments and was busily sewing away on the Elmo dolls.

The boss, LOUDLY explained, "NO, I MEANT GIVE EACH ELMO TWO TEST TICKLES."

Did You Go Shopping?

This is hilarious:

Mexican Word of The Day

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: WATER

My vieja gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF

My homie farted gacho, bad, and I couldn't brief.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM

Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN

My vieja wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE

Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca. I told him, orale loco liver alone, cheese mine.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: JULY

Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER

I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn't wafer me!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES

I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes.

Incredible Story - An Elephant Never Forgets

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send me those friggin heart-warming stories.

Pride

Osama Bin Shoppin'

I'm Gay!

Cookout

Rednecks

Fartman

Sleeping At Work

Ten best things to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

Cat

You Are My Sunshine

X-ray

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: “Floor 1 - These men have jobs.” The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads: “Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.” The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads: “Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.” “Hmmm, better.” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”

The fourth floor sign reads: “Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, and help with the housework.” “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: “Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me! But just think what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads: “Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.”

20 Years Ago Today...

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.

She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner and facing the wall crying.

She asked him, “What’s wrong with you?” He replied: “Remember when your father caught us together, when you were 16?”

“Remember,” he said, “I had a choice: I could either marry you, or be sent away to prison for the next 20 years.”

Baffled, she said, “Yes.”

The husband bawled, “I would have gotten out of prison today.”

Nasty Hot Tub

Lost Puppy

Rednecks

A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met.

“Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…”

“But what, son?” asks the father.

“She’s a virgin.”

The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”

Funny Condom Commercial

I'm Baaaad

A contestant Trifon Aleksandrov on Music Idol doing his impression of Michael Jackson:

Funny Bathroom Signs