Paint The Porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche, it's a Lexus."

Hawaii Weather Report by Triumph the Insult Comic Dog

It's A Woman's Job

Tickle Me Elmo Factory

A blonde was hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory for work during the holidays in the Quality Control department. The boss explained the job, she said she understood, and began working.

Inside of 30 minutes the whole line had to be shut down. They found the blonde at the Quality Control station at the end of the line. She'd stolen thread, needle, plastic balls, and red felt from other departments and was busily sewing away on the Elmo dolls.

The boss, LOUDLY explained, "NO, I MEANT GIVE EACH ELMO TWO TEST TICKLES."

Did You Go Shopping?

This is hilarious:

Mexican Word of The Day

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: WATER

My vieja gets mad and I don't even know water problem is!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: BRIEF

My homie farted gacho, bad, and I couldn't brief.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: MUSHROOM

Orale vato, when all my familia gets in the car, there's not mushroom.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: CHICKEN

My vieja wanted me to go to the store, but chicken go by herself.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: LIVER & CHEESE

Some vato tried to sweet talk my ruca. I told him, orale loco liver alone, cheese mine.

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: JULY

Ju tol me ju were goin to the store and July to me! Julyer!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: WAFER

I wanted to go with my mom to the flea market pero she didn't wafer me!

MEXICAN WORD OF THE DAY: HERPES

I had some cake to share with my wife, this is my piece this is herpes.

Incredible Story - An Elephant Never Forgets

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all of my friends who send me those friggin heart-warming stories.

Pride

Osama Bin Shoppin'

I'm Gay!